Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Cinematography is my passion

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Don’t touch that.