Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

FINE, I WON’T.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

based al yankovic

These work great until they don’t.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

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A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape