Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Oh, I bet you would be
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.