Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’