Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.