Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.