Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

this is how life feels

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.