Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”