Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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#SuperBowl
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Today’s Times
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.