Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
You Might Also Like
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
#parenting
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop