😂 I’m dying over here
Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”
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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…
Cut to kid opening lunch box
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.