Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?