Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.