Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow