Every
Single
Year
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.