Every
Single
Year
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Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Do one thing every day that scares people.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Good for him.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.