Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Meow

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”