Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
