Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.