My dog ate my work from home.
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*