Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Don’t talk down to me

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget