Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught