“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
(True)
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
