“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?