“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
we’re gonna need another temp
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping