Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Glasses

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.