Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom