Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
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No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.