Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.