Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
thank god the sign was there
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom