Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited