Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on