Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Worst Native American name ever.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Yup.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

what’s really going on

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

well this is just bullshirt

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy