Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

“Theirye’re” problem solved

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot