Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Lmao the reply
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.