@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

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@Cpin42

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@iamburtjarvis

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@lazerdoov

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@HousewifeOfHell

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.