[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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Officer: You get one phone call…
*hangs up a few minutes later.
Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
me: the hearing.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.