Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void