Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*