Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Owl Sanctuary
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…