Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now