Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

My birth announcement for our third baby

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo