Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car