“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
i want to work in this restaurant
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.