“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…