Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Have kids, they said

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Time for evil

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?