Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!