Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.