everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”