everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
LOOOOOOL
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today