everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
🙅🏻
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.