everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on![]()
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.