Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Pleading insanity in small claims court

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

i wish we could shoplift online

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

A completely valid reaction tbh

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.