everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
You Might Also Like
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Hang in there buddy
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.