@cloudypianos

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

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@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@AtticusFinch79

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT