everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer


ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it


Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.


I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.


Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?


A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.


Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure