everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
necessity is the mother of invention
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My new favorite headline
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.