Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

How wrong was this guy?

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale