Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
couldn’t resist
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Put the is in disheveled