Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*gets down on one knee*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.