Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Gemma Correll
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more