Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids