Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
You Might Also Like
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate