Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs