Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee