Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

🍛

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

The Eggorcist

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.