Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.