everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.