everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
no cat here
