Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
it’s the silliest best thing
