Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.