Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.


Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher


It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?


My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this