Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL