@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

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@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@Kids_kubed

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@pant_leg

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this