Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh